The sun is shining and because we only get about 2 to 3 weeks of glorious weather a year our normal sensibilities and respect for one another goes out the door and straight into the nearest beer garden.
Suddenly that respect we had for one another becomes a Gollum like selfishness staring at the sun with eyes wide and screaming “my precious”.
One of the main reasons this happens is for the most part we are able to cower behind our own walls during the rest of the year, but as the sun comes out the internal guilt starts
I can’t just sit on the couch whilst the sun is shining? Can I?
The answer is yes, but your own FOMO will force you to go sit outside. The younger more rebellious of you will decide that the couch now sits outside.
And you won’t put this out the back garden, you will fake that the front gets more sun and put it out there so everyone can see how unique you are.
We should have a barbecue, shouldn’t we?
I mean you can, but it doesn’t mean you should. The barbecue remains untouched since last years 2 seconds of summer. So now you have two choices;
- Clean it – this can take upward of 15 minutes of scrubbing and you will be covered in last years grease and burnt food particles
- Buy a shiny new one – The opportunity you’ve been waiting for to upgrade, time to go all out and spend a whole £50 at a local Asda and get that BBQ the advertising always told you you wanted.
The more astute of you will of course opt for option 3. Ring round all your family and friends and find the one sucker who has decided to opt for option 1 or 2 and pray they didn’t opt for a disposable as their “new BBQ”. At least you can take some food with you. Which brings me on to the next point…
What should we bring to the Barbecue?
This one is easy;
Yes list includes:
- Good quality burgers
- Pre-marinated chicken
- Ready made-up kebabs
- Cheap ass sausages – full of fat that create flames that burn down the attached veranda (just in case it rains)
- Tiny burgers that burn in seconds and have no nutritional value and become less edible than a rich tea biscuit.
- Steak and demand that it is cooked medium rare- if the host has steak they know what they are doing, you bringing it and making a joke about how you like it medium rare earns you prick like status. This isn’t a restaurant you’ll get it well done and you’ll f**king like it too!
- Veggie kebabs – sorry veggies, barbecues aren’t for you. Fine you can have your meat free barbecue with its unfulfilled Destiny that has never seen the beautiful bubbling of chicken skin on your grill. But your veggie kebab is gonna get covered in meat molecules here.
- No Alcohol – don’t arrive expecting your Bacardi Lemon and Diet Coke or your weird Belgian porter to be magically catered for. If you don’t just drink lager bring your own.
Cool glad we got that covered.
Wow, it’s super sunny. Perfect Laundry day!
And then you get annoyed because you have to take it in because of the barbecue smoke.
If you want to do laundry during the summer and hang it outside, hang it out the front or something, or just pretend that BBQ style musk your clothes acquired, is just the new laundry detergent you’re trying out.
Is it ok for me to walk around with my top off?
If you answer yes to any of the following questions then it is not acceptable:
- Are you having guests round?
- Is it someone else’s house?
- Will you be walking around in the street?
- Can you balance a pint on your belly when you’re sat down?
- Could you comfortably wear a bra?
- Are you boarding public transport?
- Are you sat in a beer garden?
- Are you eating?
Despite your misguided self confidence, no one wants to see that.
Even if you could pass as a double for an A-list superhero, no one wants to see how many hours you have put in staring at the mirror to see if you can make your pecs dance, all so you can stand on a table in the middle of the beer garden flexing. The laddies think you like a self confident jerk and the blokes, aside from envious of your incredible skills, think you’re a prick for making them feel less impressive. Ask yourself, is no friends really worth that 30 seconds of attention?
I bet I could get some awesome drone footage on the beach / local park.
We know you were stupid enough to spend hundreds of pounds on a drone, because you think you will set the world alight with your new “creative outlet.”
Maybe you think you will be the Banksy of the droning world…who knows you might even get there!
But it’s still creepy to take a load of aerial footage of people sunbathing.
I know, I know you’re doing it for the incredible landscapes! No. You’re not.
In fact, you’re doing it for the same reason the dickhead in the pub is flexing his muscles on a table in the beer garden. You’re attempting to show off, with the added bonus of being a complete perv.
Should I complain about the weather?
Knock yourself out.
We all have moments of weakness and say the phrase “oh it’s so hot”. But also please feel free to move out of the sun. No-one is forcing you to spend time outside and for those unfortunate enough to be working, who would like to be outside enjoying the weather, we would prefer it if you kept your feelings internal, so we don’t have to resort to violence as you mutter about how hot it is for the 50th time in a five minute period.
After all it’s far too hot for violence.
But it is really hot!
I know right!
Tell you what if you said this more than three times today go and buy all your colleagues an ice cream.
Then you have aren’t the right to loan about it at least like four more times.